Many people understand that they cannot please everyone and that it isn’t even their job to try. Others of us have spent too much time tending to the happiness of others while neglecting our own. 

I am not talking about the general desire to be kind to others or to bring joy to someone about whom you care. What I am talking about is sacrificing your own happiness to avoid disappointing someone or incurring their displeasure – over and over again. People-pleasing is an unhealthy life pattern that robs you of your ability to reach your true potential. You cannot be the best version of you if you are always more concerned about not disappointing others than you are about not disappointing yourself. 

Do you recognize any of these?

• You agree to do a lot of your colleague’s work because your desk is right next to his and you don’t want things to be awkward, as you’re sure they will be if you say “no.” 
• You don’t ask for a raise at work, even though you deserve it, have the most seniority in the office, and are the least paid at your rank because you don’t want the boss to get mad at you.
• Your friends have made you the butt of a very embarrassing joke that they tell over and over again every time you’re all together, but you don’t tell them it’s not funny to you because you are afraid they will stop being your friend. 
• You hate hosting every family gathering (which you always end up doing alone), but you say nothing because your siblings praise you for “making it look so easy” and you don’t want them to think you aren’t a superhero.

I call myself a “recovering pleaser.” If I couldn’t ease the burdens of others, even when my back was already breaking from carrying so many other loads that did not belong to me, I felt that I had failed, let people down, and, worse yet, communicated to the world that I had no value.

It truly was insane, or at least made me feel that way.

But over the past few years I have come to realize that by always putting my own needs aside, never setting boundaries, and not being honest about what I wanted to do and didn’t want to do, I was harming myself, building up resentment, and giving others a false narrative about who I am. When I embraced the fact that I am responsible for my own happiness – and they for theirs – I was able to relax a bit, create some positive space, and recognize unhealthy relationships. Yes, when I stopped people-pleasing, I lost some friends. At first it really hurt. Then it made me really angry. Now I’m really relieved.

If the only reason someone is in your life is because you ignore your own needs to address theirs, well, that person doesn’t really need to be in your life, do they? And, let me tell you, I don’t miss those folks who thought my reason for existing was to be a one-dimensional presence in their life, there only to serve them. Nope… don’t miss them at all.

So if you are a people-pleaser and would like to get into recovery like me, here’s some tips to help you through. And remember, the only person in this world that you are required to make happy is you.

1. Understand why you feel the need to please others at your own expense. Do you fear rejection? Are you trying to avoid conflict? Recognizing what is motivating you and what triggers these feelings is the first step in being able to change it.
2. Learn to like yourself. People who have healthy self-esteem generally are more comfortable setting boundaries and saying “no.” Be kind to yourself. Listen to how you talk to yourself and about yourself to others, and flip the script to build, rather than tear down, your self-image.
3. Challenge the tornado of what-ifs. “If I say no, they will hate me, and I will lose this friend, or this job, or….” When you catch yourself in that storm, ask if what you are saying is true. If you think it is, ask yourself if whatever it is you are afraid of losing is worth having if it means you have to constantly sell yourself down the river. My guess is the answer is “no.”
4. Seek support. If you don’t think you can do this on your own, seek out a therapist who can help you identify the limiting beliefs that are spurring on this pattern and create new ways of thinking that will put you on a healthier path.
5. Be willing to accept discomfort. This will not be fun, and you may feel very anxious sometimes. But, as a recovering people-pleaser (who still slips sometimes), I can tell you from my own experience that sacrificing my own well-being for others – over and over again – is more uncomfortable than learning to prioritize my peace.

This won’t happen overnight, and sometimes you will slide back into old patterns. But ceasing the continuous cycle of “scrambling to please others, then feeling anxious about pleasing others, followed by being afraid and resentful about feeling compelled to please others, and then starting over again,” is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself.